[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
.""Cody?" Justin was right there, crouched down nextto him, and Cody looked up at him."I'm okay," he said.Justin clearly couldn't hear himbecause he was frowning."Get Seb, will you? It'll take two of us to get himstanding." He heard the sound of someone walking away,then it was replaced by the noise of two people arriving.And, then, Seb was there."Cody? You feeling okay? Do I need to call adoctor?" Seb's voice was like warmth over the ice insidehim.It was comforting.And sexy."No."Seb extended a hand, which Cody reached for."Whisky and tea," Seb said simply, and in whatseemed like a matter of seconds, Cody was sitting on a sofa136 The Gallows Tree RJ Scottthat threatened to swallow him into its leather depths.Sebwas there again, right in his face, and desperately, Codyreached for him again and pulled him down so he wassitting next to him.He wasn't ashamed to admit he neededsomeone to hold him and tell him he wasn't going mad."Bloody hell, Cody, you are seriously worryingme," Seb said, even as he put an arm around Cody andpulled him close.Fluids, first something hot and sweet andthen another that burned fire into him, dragged him kickingand screaming into the here and now.Whisky."I don't want it," he snapped, holding out the glass.Someone took the fiery alcohol away from him."Shit, Seb.She keeps saying to me that justice needs to be seen, andshe won't leave me alone." Cody spluttered on a cough."Then he says I have to make sure.But God knows what Ihave to make sure.""Cody ""What do they want in my head? Doesn't it haveenough crap in it without them? Am I losing it?""Give us a few minutes." Seb was talking towhoever else was in the room.Justin and Sophie.Experimentally, Cody straightened and closed his fingers.He had pins and needles poking and fizzling under his skin,and he knew exactly why.He wasn't breathing properly.137 The Gallows Tree RJ Scott"Vince always said I needed my head looked at& ""Okay.""Said I was full of shit.""Okay.""But Vince is wrong.I know he's wrong.My headknows he's wrong.""He's wrong.""Vince was a fucker.Treated me like shit.Hurtme." Where was all this coming from? Seeing things hadnothing to do with his fucker of an ex.He never talkedabout this, and when Seb heard the complete story, he'dhead for the hills.It was all right if he did, his instinctargued.At least he would have today.He had now.Sebwasn't pushing him away like he was a mad thing.Ifanything, Seb was holding him closer.Cody clung harderto Seb and inhaled the citrusy scent of him.Jeez.If hemade it through this without being taken to the funny farm,he was so pushing Seb into bed.All that toned flesh and hissmell.He licked the nearest piece of skin, the taste of Sebon his tongue, salty and soapy and all the promise inbetween."Jesus, Cody, stop."Cody ignored the plea and twisted on the sofa,nearly climbing to straddle Seb.His feelings for the other138 The Gallows Tree RJ Scottman wouldn't lead to anything, not now that Seb had seenthis fucked side of him.But& he had the excuse of a minibreakdown to grab some skin time, and once he sat as nearas he could to Seb's lap with his head on Seb's shoulder, itwas enough to still his breathing and try to regain somecontrol.They sat in that position for a long time, and Codywent through what he called the five steps of breakdown.Step one was the need to shut himself off from the world tocope on his own.Step two was the need to cry.Step three?Well, that step was clinging to the nearest body, or asusually was the case, clinging to his momma's voice or toAnna's.He was on step three now, and jeez, was heclinging hard or what? Seb was his anchor, his rock.Justfor today.Step four was the oh-shit-what-the-hell-just-happened stage.This was when shame set in.Shame for hisown lack of self-control and for trying to depend onanother.His counselor had once said that his life had beenso controlled by Vince that he'd somewhere along the linelost the ability to act on his own.That's what they'd beenworking on, and fuck, he thought he's gotten his shittogether.Then there was step five.The final step.The139 The Gallows Tree RJ Scottisolation.Self-imposed so he had space to work throughwhat had happened.He pushed himself away from Seb, but the otherman wasn't moving.Seb had an iron grip on Cody.Heshould be panicking.Shouldn't he? He didn't like to be heldlike this.Then there was Seb's voice.Low and modulatedand freaking sexy."Tell me, Cody.What did Vince do?"Cody didn't want to answer.Shame and miseryswelled inside him."I let him& hurt me," he said."You let him?""I didn't stop him," Cody corrected quickly.Hismom had made that distinction; it had been something hehadn't understood.She helped him see it wasn't that hehadn't stopped Vince.In Cody's mind, they were one in thesame."So he hurt you?" Seb's voice was full of that toneCody hated.Pity."It's a gay thing," Cody said defiantly.Or asdefiantly as he could snuggled under Seb's chin."What do you mean?""I was eighteen.It's what you do.You find an olderguy who guides you in how it is."140 The Gallows Tree RJ Scott"Vince was older?""Twenty-seven.""Nine years then.""Yeah, he had been part of the scene for so long,and he knew what he was doing.I was lucky he took meunder his wing.""You weren't lucky if he hurt you.""Yes I was.""No," Seb said firmly."Plainly you weren't.Howdid he hurt you? What did he do?""Helped me.""Did he?"Cody bristled at the tone.Seb didn't know.He didn'tknow anything.Okay, it turned out Vince was a controlfreak and a violent man but surely&"He was my lover.""How long?""Two years.""And you loved him?""No." The single word was strident, dripping withderision.Cody refused to lie.He'd never loved Vincent,and the older man had been so deep into his life Cody hadlost every single part of his self.There had been fear and akind of twisted respect from Cody for the out-and-proud141 The Gallows Tree RJ Scottaccountant, but there was never love.Seb was quiet for awhile, and Cody shrank further into himself.It never wentwell when people found out what Cody had let happen.Case in point: Seb going all quiet.He bit his lip hard andwaited for the questions.He didn't owe any explanations toSeb.Sliding away and taking himself back to the inn washis first option, just as soon as his legs didn't feel likerubber and after his heart was a little slower than racing."How you feeling?" Seb asked softly, and raised ahand to card through Cody's hair.God, he had so manyanswers to that.Scared.Trapped.Freaked the hell out."Why were you sitting on our drive?""You're not going to believe me even if I attempt toexplain.""You can try me.""The story you told me, the one about our ancestors,Katherine and Stephen, and their unrequited love.Look.Idon't know how else to say this.I've been hearing things.When I'm asleep, or at least trying to sleep.""Like in the inn? It's an old place ""Not in the inn itself.In my head.Just the samewords over and over.Well, it was the same words untiltoday.Am I going mad?""Not mad.Tell me what they say."142 The Gallows Tree RJ Scott"Justice can be seen.It's a girl's voice, and shesounds so scared.Then today& " He couldn't help theshudder that passed through him at what he'd seen at theback of the churchyard."I was walking past the cottage,and my head& " He reinforced his words by placing fingersat his temples."It was so bad again.Knives of pain, likelast night.It made me want to run past.I mean really run [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
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.""Cody?" Justin was right there, crouched down nextto him, and Cody looked up at him."I'm okay," he said.Justin clearly couldn't hear himbecause he was frowning."Get Seb, will you? It'll take two of us to get himstanding." He heard the sound of someone walking away,then it was replaced by the noise of two people arriving.And, then, Seb was there."Cody? You feeling okay? Do I need to call adoctor?" Seb's voice was like warmth over the ice insidehim.It was comforting.And sexy."No."Seb extended a hand, which Cody reached for."Whisky and tea," Seb said simply, and in whatseemed like a matter of seconds, Cody was sitting on a sofa136 The Gallows Tree RJ Scottthat threatened to swallow him into its leather depths.Sebwas there again, right in his face, and desperately, Codyreached for him again and pulled him down so he wassitting next to him.He wasn't ashamed to admit he neededsomeone to hold him and tell him he wasn't going mad."Bloody hell, Cody, you are seriously worryingme," Seb said, even as he put an arm around Cody andpulled him close.Fluids, first something hot and sweet andthen another that burned fire into him, dragged him kickingand screaming into the here and now.Whisky."I don't want it," he snapped, holding out the glass.Someone took the fiery alcohol away from him."Shit, Seb.She keeps saying to me that justice needs to be seen, andshe won't leave me alone." Cody spluttered on a cough."Then he says I have to make sure.But God knows what Ihave to make sure.""Cody ""What do they want in my head? Doesn't it haveenough crap in it without them? Am I losing it?""Give us a few minutes." Seb was talking towhoever else was in the room.Justin and Sophie.Experimentally, Cody straightened and closed his fingers.He had pins and needles poking and fizzling under his skin,and he knew exactly why.He wasn't breathing properly.137 The Gallows Tree RJ Scott"Vince always said I needed my head looked at& ""Okay.""Said I was full of shit.""Okay.""But Vince is wrong.I know he's wrong.My headknows he's wrong.""He's wrong.""Vince was a fucker.Treated me like shit.Hurtme." Where was all this coming from? Seeing things hadnothing to do with his fucker of an ex.He never talkedabout this, and when Seb heard the complete story, he'dhead for the hills.It was all right if he did, his instinctargued.At least he would have today.He had now.Sebwasn't pushing him away like he was a mad thing.Ifanything, Seb was holding him closer.Cody clung harderto Seb and inhaled the citrusy scent of him.Jeez.If hemade it through this without being taken to the funny farm,he was so pushing Seb into bed.All that toned flesh and hissmell.He licked the nearest piece of skin, the taste of Sebon his tongue, salty and soapy and all the promise inbetween."Jesus, Cody, stop."Cody ignored the plea and twisted on the sofa,nearly climbing to straddle Seb.His feelings for the other138 The Gallows Tree RJ Scottman wouldn't lead to anything, not now that Seb had seenthis fucked side of him.But& he had the excuse of a minibreakdown to grab some skin time, and once he sat as nearas he could to Seb's lap with his head on Seb's shoulder, itwas enough to still his breathing and try to regain somecontrol.They sat in that position for a long time, and Codywent through what he called the five steps of breakdown.Step one was the need to shut himself off from the world tocope on his own.Step two was the need to cry.Step three?Well, that step was clinging to the nearest body, or asusually was the case, clinging to his momma's voice or toAnna's.He was on step three now, and jeez, was heclinging hard or what? Seb was his anchor, his rock.Justfor today.Step four was the oh-shit-what-the-hell-just-happened stage.This was when shame set in.Shame for hisown lack of self-control and for trying to depend onanother.His counselor had once said that his life had beenso controlled by Vince that he'd somewhere along the linelost the ability to act on his own.That's what they'd beenworking on, and fuck, he thought he's gotten his shittogether.Then there was step five.The final step.The139 The Gallows Tree RJ Scottisolation.Self-imposed so he had space to work throughwhat had happened.He pushed himself away from Seb, but the otherman wasn't moving.Seb had an iron grip on Cody.Heshould be panicking.Shouldn't he? He didn't like to be heldlike this.Then there was Seb's voice.Low and modulatedand freaking sexy."Tell me, Cody.What did Vince do?"Cody didn't want to answer.Shame and miseryswelled inside him."I let him& hurt me," he said."You let him?""I didn't stop him," Cody corrected quickly.Hismom had made that distinction; it had been something hehadn't understood.She helped him see it wasn't that hehadn't stopped Vince.In Cody's mind, they were one in thesame."So he hurt you?" Seb's voice was full of that toneCody hated.Pity."It's a gay thing," Cody said defiantly.Or asdefiantly as he could snuggled under Seb's chin."What do you mean?""I was eighteen.It's what you do.You find an olderguy who guides you in how it is."140 The Gallows Tree RJ Scott"Vince was older?""Twenty-seven.""Nine years then.""Yeah, he had been part of the scene for so long,and he knew what he was doing.I was lucky he took meunder his wing.""You weren't lucky if he hurt you.""Yes I was.""No," Seb said firmly."Plainly you weren't.Howdid he hurt you? What did he do?""Helped me.""Did he?"Cody bristled at the tone.Seb didn't know.He didn'tknow anything.Okay, it turned out Vince was a controlfreak and a violent man but surely&"He was my lover.""How long?""Two years.""And you loved him?""No." The single word was strident, dripping withderision.Cody refused to lie.He'd never loved Vincent,and the older man had been so deep into his life Cody hadlost every single part of his self.There had been fear and akind of twisted respect from Cody for the out-and-proud141 The Gallows Tree RJ Scottaccountant, but there was never love.Seb was quiet for awhile, and Cody shrank further into himself.It never wentwell when people found out what Cody had let happen.Case in point: Seb going all quiet.He bit his lip hard andwaited for the questions.He didn't owe any explanations toSeb.Sliding away and taking himself back to the inn washis first option, just as soon as his legs didn't feel likerubber and after his heart was a little slower than racing."How you feeling?" Seb asked softly, and raised ahand to card through Cody's hair.God, he had so manyanswers to that.Scared.Trapped.Freaked the hell out."Why were you sitting on our drive?""You're not going to believe me even if I attempt toexplain.""You can try me.""The story you told me, the one about our ancestors,Katherine and Stephen, and their unrequited love.Look.Idon't know how else to say this.I've been hearing things.When I'm asleep, or at least trying to sleep.""Like in the inn? It's an old place ""Not in the inn itself.In my head.Just the samewords over and over.Well, it was the same words untiltoday.Am I going mad?""Not mad.Tell me what they say."142 The Gallows Tree RJ Scott"Justice can be seen.It's a girl's voice, and shesounds so scared.Then today& " He couldn't help theshudder that passed through him at what he'd seen at theback of the churchyard."I was walking past the cottage,and my head& " He reinforced his words by placing fingersat his temples."It was so bad again.Knives of pain, likelast night.It made me want to run past.I mean really run [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]