[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
.Judy knew the children neededmore discipline so that they could get along better with other children andadults, and she found herself being quite strict at times.However, anotherpart of her was lenient because she wanted to be sure the children felt loved,and loved her.Since the children didn't get consistent guidelines from theirmother, they began to act less and less cooperatively.Using this method,Judy identified these two parts of herself and integrated them, allowingJudy to become the consistently firm and loving mother she wanted to be,and to feel good about it.Shy or in the SpotlightLiza had a part of her that liked to be the center of attention, andanother part that was shy and reticent When someone complimented herin a group, she didn't know how to respond.She felt awkward andembarrassed because each of her parts wanted to respond in opposite ways.Liza learned that the part wanting attention really wanted her to feel goodabout herself.The part that was shy wanted her to have good relationshipswith others, and didn't want to be seen as "better than others." This methodhelped Liza integrate her two parts so that she became comfortable withpublic attention.After this, Liza no longer felt as much desire for attention,and she could enjoy receiving it gracefully when she got it.Overworking or CollapsingLuanne had been complaining of stress, and had a variety of physicalsymptoms.Like many of us, she tended to overwork, in spite of messagesfrom her body that she needed rest She had one part that wanted her totake care of her body, and another part that wanted her to accomplishthings.Since these two parts were separate from each other, she went back Resolving Internal Conflict 139and forth between overworking and physically collapsing.Obviously, bothgoals are important.Integrating these two parts allowed her to consider bothher physical well-being and her desire to accomplish at the same time.Luanne wrote later, saying she felt more relaxed while she worked.Shefound herself taking short rest times earlier, because she knew fully thattaking care of herself wasn't in conflict with accomplishment.Taking careof herself is what makes it possible for her to be healthier, so she canaccomplish more.All of us have some kind of internal separation and conflict, thoughsome are certainly less severe than others.Perhaps one part wants to beloved, and another part wants to succeed.One part might want to be takencare of, while another wants to be independent.Perhaps one part wants tobe spontaneous, and another part wants to live by planning and routine.Those suffering from bulimia typically have one part that wants to eat, andanother that wants to be slender.Whatever the internal separation, thismethod can heal the split, so that we can more easily and spontaneouslyact in ways that fit with who we want to be as a whole person, honoringall parts of ourselves.I would like all of us to live as fully as we can.The only time Ireally feel awful is when people have not lived a life that expressedthemselves.They lived with all their "shoulds" and "oughts" and theirblaming and placating and all the rest of it, and I think, "How sad." Virginia Satir 14 Recoveringfrom Shameand GuiltRita had a problem with shame and was embarrassed todiscuss it.She wanted to change her feelings so she wouldn'tbe plagued with shame, but she also wanted assurance thatshe wouldn't have to tell me any more about it before she agreed to workwith me.Most of us have some experience of shame in our past, and like Rita,don't like to discuss it with others.That's what shame is all about.Shameis a response to violating someone else's standards.When we feel shame,we are usually afraid of rejection or abandonment due to this transgressionof real or imagined external standards.For some people, seemingly trivialbehaviors like farting in public (or even writing about it!) might causeshame."Putting your foot in your mouth" by saying something unintendedmight bring about mild shame.Or the transgressions might be far moreserious.Some therapists consider shame to be the root of many personaldifficulties, especially the "codependent" behavior observed in the familiesof alcoholics and other drug abusers.Ideally, shame alerts us that we have offended other people, and thatif we want to continue being friends with them, we may need to changeour behavior.However, for many people the agonizing feelings of shamejust make them feel like an unworthy person.140 Recovering from Shame and Guilt 141Fortunately, I didn't need to know what Rita's shame was about inorder to work with her."What do you need to think of in order to feelshame? You don't need to tell me about it; just notice for yourself." Rita'sgaze shifted down and to her left, as she looked at a spot about two feetin front of her.Her face darkened as she glanced down at that spotThe Experience of ShameI asked Rita more questions so I could learn more about how she wasseeing "shame." Rita's face contorted and became tenser as she looked ather image.When Rita was most ashamed, she imagined herself sitting ata table, with others seated all around her looking straight at her disapprov-ingly.The other people were all much bigger than she was, and rather thanmoving as they would in real life, she saw them as if they were almostcompletely still frozen in one spot, staring disapprovingly at her.Thepicture was dark and dim.This is typical of people when they feel ashamed.Almost allexperiences of shame involve seeing "big" others staring disapprovinglystraight at us.The picture is usually dark and still.If you temporarily trythis out, you can probably experience shame, too.Healing ShameKnowing this internal structure for creating shame makes it possibleto do something about it.As a first step in helping Rita heal the shame,I asked her to think of a time when she violated someone else's standards,but rather than feeling shame, she had a more resourceful response.WhenRita thought of this situation, she looked to a different location, higher andto her right [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
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.Judy knew the children neededmore discipline so that they could get along better with other children andadults, and she found herself being quite strict at times.However, anotherpart of her was lenient because she wanted to be sure the children felt loved,and loved her.Since the children didn't get consistent guidelines from theirmother, they began to act less and less cooperatively.Using this method,Judy identified these two parts of herself and integrated them, allowingJudy to become the consistently firm and loving mother she wanted to be,and to feel good about it.Shy or in the SpotlightLiza had a part of her that liked to be the center of attention, andanother part that was shy and reticent When someone complimented herin a group, she didn't know how to respond.She felt awkward andembarrassed because each of her parts wanted to respond in opposite ways.Liza learned that the part wanting attention really wanted her to feel goodabout herself.The part that was shy wanted her to have good relationshipswith others, and didn't want to be seen as "better than others." This methodhelped Liza integrate her two parts so that she became comfortable withpublic attention.After this, Liza no longer felt as much desire for attention,and she could enjoy receiving it gracefully when she got it.Overworking or CollapsingLuanne had been complaining of stress, and had a variety of physicalsymptoms.Like many of us, she tended to overwork, in spite of messagesfrom her body that she needed rest She had one part that wanted her totake care of her body, and another part that wanted her to accomplishthings.Since these two parts were separate from each other, she went back Resolving Internal Conflict 139and forth between overworking and physically collapsing.Obviously, bothgoals are important.Integrating these two parts allowed her to consider bothher physical well-being and her desire to accomplish at the same time.Luanne wrote later, saying she felt more relaxed while she worked.Shefound herself taking short rest times earlier, because she knew fully thattaking care of herself wasn't in conflict with accomplishment.Taking careof herself is what makes it possible for her to be healthier, so she canaccomplish more.All of us have some kind of internal separation and conflict, thoughsome are certainly less severe than others.Perhaps one part wants to beloved, and another part wants to succeed.One part might want to be takencare of, while another wants to be independent.Perhaps one part wants tobe spontaneous, and another part wants to live by planning and routine.Those suffering from bulimia typically have one part that wants to eat, andanother that wants to be slender.Whatever the internal separation, thismethod can heal the split, so that we can more easily and spontaneouslyact in ways that fit with who we want to be as a whole person, honoringall parts of ourselves.I would like all of us to live as fully as we can.The only time Ireally feel awful is when people have not lived a life that expressedthemselves.They lived with all their "shoulds" and "oughts" and theirblaming and placating and all the rest of it, and I think, "How sad." Virginia Satir 14 Recoveringfrom Shameand GuiltRita had a problem with shame and was embarrassed todiscuss it.She wanted to change her feelings so she wouldn'tbe plagued with shame, but she also wanted assurance thatshe wouldn't have to tell me any more about it before she agreed to workwith me.Most of us have some experience of shame in our past, and like Rita,don't like to discuss it with others.That's what shame is all about.Shameis a response to violating someone else's standards.When we feel shame,we are usually afraid of rejection or abandonment due to this transgressionof real or imagined external standards.For some people, seemingly trivialbehaviors like farting in public (or even writing about it!) might causeshame."Putting your foot in your mouth" by saying something unintendedmight bring about mild shame.Or the transgressions might be far moreserious.Some therapists consider shame to be the root of many personaldifficulties, especially the "codependent" behavior observed in the familiesof alcoholics and other drug abusers.Ideally, shame alerts us that we have offended other people, and thatif we want to continue being friends with them, we may need to changeour behavior.However, for many people the agonizing feelings of shamejust make them feel like an unworthy person.140 Recovering from Shame and Guilt 141Fortunately, I didn't need to know what Rita's shame was about inorder to work with her."What do you need to think of in order to feelshame? You don't need to tell me about it; just notice for yourself." Rita'sgaze shifted down and to her left, as she looked at a spot about two feetin front of her.Her face darkened as she glanced down at that spotThe Experience of ShameI asked Rita more questions so I could learn more about how she wasseeing "shame." Rita's face contorted and became tenser as she looked ather image.When Rita was most ashamed, she imagined herself sitting ata table, with others seated all around her looking straight at her disapprov-ingly.The other people were all much bigger than she was, and rather thanmoving as they would in real life, she saw them as if they were almostcompletely still frozen in one spot, staring disapprovingly at her.Thepicture was dark and dim.This is typical of people when they feel ashamed.Almost allexperiences of shame involve seeing "big" others staring disapprovinglystraight at us.The picture is usually dark and still.If you temporarily trythis out, you can probably experience shame, too.Healing ShameKnowing this internal structure for creating shame makes it possibleto do something about it.As a first step in helping Rita heal the shame,I asked her to think of a time when she violated someone else's standards,but rather than feeling shame, she had a more resourceful response.WhenRita thought of this situation, she looked to a different location, higher andto her right [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]